By Success4


I’m in a Sexual Relationship with Gary Lineker

Posted on 01.20.16

Dilated Pupils

Mouth Watering

Heart Racing

I. Just. Want. It.. NOW

This is how Ellie described to me what happened when her husband came back from the Co-Op

Not JUST with the bin bags he went for but with a family size bag of Walkers crisps before he left for Monday night football practice. She hadn’t planned to eat that kind of thing. In fact she had started a new eating plan.

Her husband knew, she’d made wall charts and been to Holland & Barratt.

It was all going really well.

But that day, it had all gone on. Hellish Traffic Jam – so she was late for nursery drop-off.

Rather patronising nursery manager woman had wanted to talk about a biting ‘incident’ that had happened at lunchtime.Say sorry to Harvey, Chloe… right can we just go home?

Apparently it required further psychological delving. Chloe is just 2. Harvey looked tasty.

I just want to go home….

Then Ellie’s mum had called and to tell her that her least favourite relative

(a snobby, skinny, attention-seeking 25 year old) would be joining them for Christmas.

And she knew she was unlikely to get through the workload she’d been given and therefore in line for a ‘performance review’ next Monday. And there was the bag of Walkers.

Ellie used to have a bag of walkers EVERY lunchtime. When she stopped off for petrol too. When she got in from work.


She joked that she was in a sexual relationship with Gary Lineker – because she puts his stuff in her mouth so much.

Absolute Filth.

She’s a funny lady.


So Kids’ tea done, grown up dinner in the oven baths, stories and two children in bed then flopped on the sofa.

‘Strictly’ on the iPlayer. ..a bit of Aljaz


Aaaaaaaaannnnnnnd relax.

MUUUUUMMMMMM!!!!!! Chloe’s wee-ed the bed!

Chloe has just gone into the big bed and refuses to wear nappies at night because she is a “BID GERL”

Sheets, bath, washing machine, tumble dryer (how the hell did she get in on the pillow as well)

45 minutes later Chloe is finally asleep big sisters lights are out and flop 2.0 on the sofa.

RING RING (this better be good)

“Hello darling, I am going to join the boys for a swift half and possibly something to eat after football coz it is Steve’s last day…. Don’t worry about me for food”


That bag of Walkers didn’t even touch the sides.

Written By Tanya & Claire
Wise and Gorgeous

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